I admit it. I used to be an extremely controlling woman in my relationships with men. Like many women raised in the 1970s, I’d been taught to feel safe like that, and thought that no one could ever take advantage of me as long as I let everyone know I was top dog. There are complicated reasons this came to be, and they really don’t matter. What matters is that I’m not controlling anymore, and I’m a heck of a lot happier than I ever was when I was a domineering jerk. Learning to embrace my womanhood, and learning the art of healthy submission to a good and trustworthy man were to the best things that I’ve ever done for myself.
So, are you a controlling woman? Here are four telltale signs that you are.
1. You always have to be right. Is winning everything to you? Do you get furious if your man doesn’t see things your way? Do you punish him by pouting or yelling or manipulating him in some way to get him to agree with you? If so, you are probably a controlling woman. Solution? Learn to say things like, “I never thought about it that way,” or “I can see your point,” or “I appreciate you sharing your opinion with me, it’s really helpful to understand how you see this.” You don’t have to agree with your man, but you have to respect him. Insisting that he’s stupid for not agreeing with you is a mega #fail.
2. You spy on him. Do you check his cell phone records, or hack into his email? Do you follow him? Do you try to “catch” him doing something wrong? If so, you are probably a controlling woman. Solution? Find ways to find your own life as fascinating as you find his. Get some friends, or hobbies. Be fulfilled. Stop worrying. Relax. Be nice.
3. Your man must seek your permission before he hangs out with his buddies or goes somewhere by himself. Do you have to know exactly where he is at all times? Do you keep tabs on his coming and going? Yeah? Well, you’re probably a controller. Solution? Trust him. And if you can’t, then let him go. No one wants to be policed.
4. You tell him how to spend his money, how to dress, how to eat, how to talk, who to be friends with or how to interact with his parents, etc. If so, you’re a control freak and you suck. Solution? Accept him the way he is, or move on and find someone you can accept. No one loves a dictator.
It all comes down to releasing anxiety, and learning to trust, or submit. Trust is the basis for all healthy relationships. I believe that is what the Bible means when it says a woman must submit to her man — you have to trust him. If you can’t trust him, leave and work on developing a sense of self and emotional balance. Stop torturing yourself, and your man.
Stop controlling.
Tagged: controlling women, dating, learning to submit, love, relationships, trust
Isn’t it amazing the things the Western – as in Cowboy – world teaches? You hit the most important mail righty on the head – respect – w/o it no relationship will work no matter how much love is involved.
Yes, Dee! Respect is such a huge thing in the cowboy culture. I’m fortunate to have been exposed to it. I honestly think it has saved my love life from what was destined to be perpetual ruin.
It’s amazing how much I have found out over the past 62 years, that was ‘right’ in my relationship with my cowboy. I’ve often said a good relationship is sometimes 50-50, sometimes 40-60, sometimes 5-90, sometimes even 100-0, etc., and that it goes both ways. My husband was definitely the Alpha in our relationship, but there were times it changed around. I think that’s one of the reasons it lasted for more that 51 years and that I still love him ‘though he’s been dead 11 years. He let me be me! But he also taught me a lot and showed me a lot by example. And he believed in me and that’s why I believe in myself. Glad you’re learning these things, Alisa! Be happy!
Caryl – As always, your comment makes me smile and also want to weep. I am so sorry you lost your cowboy. He sounds amazing, and you guys were such a fabulous couple. I like the Dr. Seuss quote you know so well, about not being sad a thing is over, but rather happy that it happened. Life is such a bundle of contradictions, such a strange mix of beauty and pain. I honor that you’ve known both in your love of your cowboy, and I’m so happy that you have become my friend here on the blog. I hope we here can offer some company and understanding for you. Thank you again for reading.
I always enjoy your blog and find much to relate to in it. I was at a junior cattle show Sat. covering it for my paper, and as it turned out, the judge, who is from Oklahoma, was there with his wife and I soon realized that she is one of the young people my cowboy worked with in 4-H when our kids were in 4-H and the junior cattle associations. As is my usual practice when a judge is from out of state, I gave her one of my books to give to him while she was talking to a cowboy at ringside, who is from a neighboring state and was also in that group of kids that benefited from knowing my cowboy.
Both of them kind of teared up and said, almost simultaneously, as they looked at his photo in the front of the book, “I learned so much from him and I loved that man.”
He judged a lot and worked the ring at shows and sales. He was honest, and trustworthy and not much of a diplomat, and always willing to help out. A typical cowboy.
Funny, we as women are so good at giving advice, but I find we usually don’t follow our own advice. I am in a relatinshiop I should have let go of a long time ago…actually I did, but I’m a glutten for punishment. So we got back together and guess what? He didn’t change, he didn’t grow…he still is an adolescent 30 year old boy. He has been an ass for the last three weeks…more than that if I’m honest. He’s selfish, can’t control his money, he drinks and drives, never has money, complains that he never gets promoted because its eveyone else’s fault, says he never wanted kids and rarely spends time with the twins he has…I pay for everything…when we talk 99% of the time it’s about him and whats going on with him, he is a miserable person. He hates his job, he has no motivation to do better because I foot the bill and he moved back in with his parents. .I never feel appreciated or loved, He is never there for me…he lies all the time and I frankly just don’t trust him or trust him to be there for me at the end of the day.I feel he takes me for granted…and IT’S MY FAULT, because I allowed him to do it…anyway, Last nite I was telling my guy best friend that I was gutless and I hated myself for not being secure with myself to dump this guy…my friend says to me “you are the most self suffient, intelligent, funny and beautiful woman I know…you are strong and loving. Stop it. Dump him. You deserve better.” He made me cry…it was nice to hear those things I thought about that all day…
I’m a scorpio and I believe in signs…I believe everything happens for a reason…so, as I ended another horrible conversation with him on the cell phone, your blog pops your blog pops up…and there it is right in front of my eyes…the last paragraph hit me right in the face. I need to leave him and find my self worth again…take care of me. Thank you for blogging what you did…you saved my life….
Susie – I am terribly sorry to read about your pain. I have been where you’re at. I lived where you’re at in my marriage for more than a decade. It seems impossible to get out. I totally get it. I want to offer you a link to a great website that was very helpful to me and that I know has helped many women in your circumstances. Be strong, have faith, know that when you start to take care of yourself that God/the universe will respond by bringing you what you need. You will survive this, and you will come out of it stronger, healthier, happier and with the love that you deserve – the love of a man WORTH submitting to. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissist-central/index.htm Big hugs to you, and godspeed, girl.
Thank you for the suggestion. I went to the site and not to my surprise he fits 98% of the behavior patterns.
I am so proud of myself. I knew last night would be a bad night because he was drinking with his friends. I turned my phone on silent because I just didn’t want to deal with his drunk dial where he complains about how much his life sucks and whoa is him…sure enough when I woke up around midnight he had sent me ugly text messages with the final one saying when i wake up in the morning I will be single. His voicemails were vile and vulgar…I have kept my phone on silent all day, not taking his calls or text messages. I feel like I’m in recovery…AA for woman who love the wrong men!
I am emotionally exhausted and physically ill from all of this…but I’m looking forward to my future. To focusing on myself and my little girl who will soon be in middle school…starting Friday she will go with her dad for six weeks and I will take that time to start taking care of myself…
For the record I love all your books. I gave your collection to my 21 year old daughter this weekend so she can read them…told her they were on loan!
Thank you…chica.
When I read the header above 1-4 it fits my wife perfectly. She never used to be like this. Walks in the door and the screaming and yelling starts. I have to jump to her needs. I just wonder where it comes from. Its not just to me its to her sisters and mother as they dont do what she says. I cant have an opinion or say anything she disagrees with. My kids would sooner pay $100 a week shared rent to have peace. They left home. I have just about had enough at this stage. She openly says she wants a husband to do exactly what she says. She is the only one who puts me down all the time. No one else does. Been called all those names..every name. I thought menopause was bad enough 2-3 years ago but we all have our limits. I dont do pubs and clubs and all those things but am dedicated to my family have a good job. I feel alone and neglected with out any intimacy for a long time. I wish I had someone to get close to. If I am talking on the phone to a friend or anybody I am grilled. I have to do these things when she is not here. I get told what to eat and that I am ungrateful for not wanting to eat what she cooks. I cant stand fried,fatty, salty food and want healthy food. She knows this. Being told what to wear and think as well. I get told everything is my fault but dont know what that means. We have everyting we need. Perhaps a shrink understands. She wont touch the house. I have been cleaning the house as she said she wont do it as she is not a maid. The above is just part of it. She is just driving me away like the kids. So thanks for the header info as now it confirms things here.