Hi Ms. Alisa!

I wish I wasn’t up writing to you this issue but I can’t believe how quickly my life has changed. I just recently found out my husband of 4 years, my love of total 13 years has cheated on me. I’m devastaed, heart broken, everything. I gave up my dreams for him, moved to Nashville for him and now 13 years later, the only thing I have to show for my true faithful committment is my18 month old toddler, who I absolutely love. I don’t know whether to reconcile or just give in. The reason being is that if he would have told me it was a stupid mistake and he’s sorry , I would want to try. But he says he stopped loving me awhile ago and was so unhappy with me that I drove him into depression. I think that if We were going to try things will never be the same regardless. Any advice? Perhaps a topic you would like to write about?

Sincerely,

Helen

Dear Helen

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for your suffering. I’ve been where you’re at, and I know exactly how terrible it can feel. I can tell you my thoughts given what you’ve detailed here. I know it’s cliche to tell you that you’re better off without him, but if he has told you he doesn’t love you anymore I think that’s all I’d need to hear in order to walk away.

You have to take care of YOU, Helen. I am sure that after 13 years together it is going to seen impossible to figure out where YOU are, without him. You have poured so much energy into creating a “we” that you yourself have probably been lost in there. But you have to reclaim your soul, love yourself, cherish yourself, and move on.

I know the temptation is there to fix it. It sucks to lose. It sucks to realize how wrong you’ve been about someone. But you have to remember, Helen, that you’re not mourning the loss of the man your husband ACTUALLY IS; you are mourning the loss of the man you THOUGHT HE WAS. He has proven himself NOT to be that man, and so in truth all you are losing is a FANTASY. This, of course, doesn’t ameliorate the pain in any way. When you lose a spouse, or a serious partner, you lose the future you’ve envisioned for yourself. You have to admit defeat. You have to start over. And is just SUCKS.

But here’s what I’ve learned, and I hope it helps. There is a God, and there is a plan. Sometimes we don’t understand how wrong someone is for us because we want something for ourselves that God doesn’t want for us. You aren’t meant to be with a man who would cheat on you and tell you he no longer loves you. That man is a damn coward. If he had issues with how he felt, if he had problems with you, he should have told you directly, like a man, and handled his business correctly. He didn’t. He lied, and was sneaky, and he did not hold your feelings in regard. You don’t deserve a man like that. God knows this. You deserve a man BETTER than that. You have made a habit of loving the man you thought he was, and it will be a hard habit to break, but you MUST. You must be strong, for your child. For yourself. You must deal with the way things TRULY ARE instead of how you wish for them to be. This will hurt, but on the other end of that pain awaits a life that is better and more wonderful than you can even imagine right now.

When you remove the weeds from your life, the flowers and grass can grow. You deserve a beautiful garden. Don’t settle for less. You can do this. I know it seems impossible, with a toddler to care for, but perhaps that is the only reason God put you with this man, so that your amazing child could be born. And now, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Let him go. If he improves, if he learns, if he realizes how foolish he has been, then it will be up to HIM to win YOU back. It isn’t up to you to convince ANYONE to love you. You are lovable simply because you ARE. When we stoop to convincing people to love us, we do harm to our spirits, and we insult God. If your husband is too blind and stupid to love you, that is his loss, his problem, and his lies and cheating will be his karma. There will be justice. But it’s not ours to mete out. It is God’s.

You are smart, and loving, and kind, and beautiful, and I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother. You have so much to offer. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on. Find your strength. Surround yourself with people who love you, who appreciate you, and who RESPECT you. There are billions of men in this world, and among them are many gems. You will find one. One will find you. But that will never happen as long as you hang on to the destructive, disrespectful man you now call your husband.

I hope this helps. I’m sorry I can’t offer better news. I know you’re strong, and you can handle this. You will come out of it happier, stronger and better than ever. Please believe me.

Much love,

Alisa