This is a hard post to write. It’s hard professionally, and it’s hard personally. But as a woman who believes that the only thing we really have that no one can take away from us is our integrity and our word, I feel a responsibility to be truthful with you, my readers, even if it seems unwise to some who would see me, my life, this blog and my memoir purely as a business predicated on my being blissfully involved with this unbelievably bright, hot, powerful cattleman.
As most of you know, this blog and my forthcoming memoir both chronicle my romantic relationship with him, this man I have until now referred to only as “the cowboy”. I’m not going to call him that anymore, because we are unfortunately no longer together and it feels too playful and couple-ish to do so.
His name is Steve.
Some time ago, Steve broke up with me. I let enough time pass to make sure it was permanent, before sharing the news with you all. I’ll spare you the details, for now…but I will tell you that, as the memoir shows, we were an unlikely pair, with incendiary chemistry, opposing worldviews in many ways, and we had an incredible knack for just pushing each other’s buttons. For 95 percent of the time, our relationship was amazing, the best I’ve ever had. Steve was easily my best friend, and the biggest personal influence on me other than my parents in shaping how I came to think of myself in the world. But that other 5 percent was…painful, controlling, emotionally abusive, crazymaking, chaos. I have learned just how fine the line is between being an alpha male and being something else altogether. I’m piecing it all together now, and hope to come up with a sequel to the memoir, sort of a “part two” to the fairy tale that is the first book.
You might have noticed I haven’t been posting here for a while. This is because I was sidelined by being dropped like a sack of trash, just did not expect it at all. I expected marriage, and forever, a stepfather for my son. I had that easy calm that comes from being sure you are cherished. I was wrong, and it stings like a million slaps in the mouth.
There are a few things I think you need to know now.
First, that I am not letting go of the rural life I came to embrace, even though my bridge to it no longer exists. I learned so much, and came to love life in the quiet places. I am going to continue to cultivate my new rural roots in whatever way I can, being shackled to the city for the sake of my son. I will explore new corners of the country on the weekends, now that I have free time. I will get better at riding horses. I will figure out how to keep that most precious part of me that has been taken away now. I will be open, when the time comes, to dating rural men…something I wasn’t particularly attuned to before, as is described in my book. So, to all my new agricultural friends, please know I still adore you, and your life, and your world, and I am going to continue to cultivate my inner cowgirl, in spite of being dumped by the sexiest cowboy who ever lived.
Two: I am grateful for this entire experience, and I do not view this breakup as in any way being counter to the message of my book. I still love Steve, and I am convinced that I always will. This breakup hurts more than my divorce, because the depth and intensity of the love was the most profound thing I have experienced, other than being a mother.
I probably should have seen it coming, given what little I knew of his dating/family/job/friendship history. I ignored the red flags, and I chose to live in a state of hope. That’s not a bad thing, really. It was a glorious 1.5 years. Best of my life. I would not trade them for anything. I have never felt more at peace, and more alive, and more on fire with wanting than I did at his little house in the middle of nowhere, lying next to him in the deathly quiet of night. I am a completely changed human being for having known this man, in every way, and so the basic message of the memoir remains true, and always will. This relationship changed me, and just because it has been taken from me does not mean I am no longer changed. I am forever changed, better, new, reborn, wiser. Should I someday ever get to that place again where I feel I’m able to have another relationship (seems unlikely right now) I’d like to think my future boyfriend will owe Steve a thank-you letter for the woman I became with him — a gentler, more compassionate, more thoughtful and womanly version of the person I’d always been.
Three: I am now convinced that there is no man in the world who is quite as good at breaking a woman’s heart as a cowboy. The rugged individualism of his culture and identity, his stoic nature, his ability to do what needs to be done even if it hurts (and not blink or shed a tear) all mean that he is able to disappear, to ignore the woman he once said he wanted to marry, as though she never existed at all. This silence I face now is unlike anything I have ever experienced. It feels like he just died on me. He is gone. Wants nothing to do with me at all.
Four: All of this will make a hell of a good book someday. Just not today. Today, it makes me curl up in the big chair in the living room, under my chenille blanket, my hands over my mouth to keep the terrible animal sounds inside. It’s not easy being a woman. And it’s harder still being a woman who loves a cowboy who no longer loves her.
Five: I’m old enough to know that this will pass, and life will go on, and whatever other cliche you want to pick to make me feel better. I believe in God, and I know that He has a plan for me that will make sense someday, and that his plan often looks much different from what I THINK I wanted.
Six: I want to thank Steve for showing me that I have within me a capacity for great passion, deep and intoxicating love. I had honestly never experienced that. I’d always just sort of settled. I didn’t settle with Steve. I’m afraid he settled, with me. I’m a better person for it, and my memoir is not less of a love story for the breakup. As with all good tragedy, the love I describe in the book is going to seem more profound now, a glowing white light of intense romance held against the cold dark backdrop of…whatever this is now.
Finally, I know I am not the only woman who has felt this way. I know it is a common experience among human beings in general, because most of our songs and poems are about exactly this existential abyss staring back at me every time I take a breath. This is why I am unafraid to be honest, and human, and tell you guys exactly what is going on. I loved. I lost. I’m still here. I’m stronger for it, and I’m still learning lessons from Steve, in the reverberations of the echo of his last words to me.
Stop. It’s over. This isn’t your home. It will never be your home. I don’t want you. Goodbye, Alisa.
to loose and love is one of the hardest & wonderful experience of our lives!
“Unafraid to be honest and human…” If all were so brave, this world would be a much more real society to live in. I THINK I might like it. I find truth the most refreshing and “ánimo” building place from which to carry on. Anything else just bogs us down. I am grateful for my cowboys first wife. The pain he suffered in loving someone who didn’t love him back the same helped shape the man who loves like no other. I benefit from his growth and determination to love anyway. Pain will become a solid foundation for a future love affair. Meanwhile, write on!
Sweet Alisa,
I am sorry that what you wanted did not turn out as you had hoped. Know this, when God takes something from your hands HE’s not punishing you, HE’s opening up your hands to give you something better. Jesus, Yahweh, is Sar Shalom, the Prince of Peace, and I peace and love for you, as you are in my heart and my prayers. Blessings. MAY YOU DANCE IN HIS JOY AND REST IN HIS PEACE.
Leslie
Wow! I didn’t see that coming! Only makes me realize how lucky – no, blessed I have been. Aug made me the person I am today. He believed in me and I, therefore, believed in myself. We had something incredible. He loved me until he died. And I will love him until I die. I ache for him constantly. I understand what you are saying and my heart goes out to you. I hope, someday, you will find what I had and it will be forever.
I cried when I read this. I have already read the memoir, as an advanced copy, and found it something I could so connect with. It helped me articulate what I believe about the relationship between a woman and a man. It gave me a way to discuss it with skeptical friends. So, in a vicarious way I shared in those changes. There is nothing I can say that will help with the pain you feel. I’ve been there, deep in that pain, and nothing anyone could say helped me walk through it. Be gentle with yourself. From the ashes you will rise, stronger, more fiercely yourself, and able to reach for what you need. Thank you for sharing both the joy and pain. It is a connection you share with so many of us.
Alisa,
I’ve always been a big fan of yours. I remember the first time I read about you was while browsing through a magazine that talked about The Dirty Girls. I then found you on FB and fell in love with your clever and funny posts. But now I love you for an entirely different reason: For being so open and real.
I’ve been where you are, and I know that feeling of finding yourself through the reflection in someone elses eyes. I can recall that feeling of awakening, and how it motivated me to be the woman I am today. I remember feeling that he saw things in me that I couldn’t. I love him to this day for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself, and for forcing me to see my own potential.
I think Elizabeth Gilbert said it best, “A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”
Cheers to finding Steve, learning more about yourself than you ever thought possible, and becoming an even more awesome, Alisa.
You’re welcome to come visit us on the ranch here in SD! I always say after my abusive first two marriages- there’s so much I learned that has made me stronger and better and wiser and we have to take the chances we’re given to grow. This is one, even though it sucks. Please feel free to bend my ear if needed. I’ve been where you are.
Alisa, I am so, so, sorry. I really wanted this to work out for you–it seemed so promising. It’s horrible being blindsided like that and you are handling it a lot better than I would. I think you are very brave for being so open and honest. I really admire that. I am praying for you to stay confident in yourself and to continue to believe in your gifts.
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger?…. I am realizing that now. Your sharing makes me understand that there is light somewhere; someday?.. I think that most important, love might lurk around again. Scary situation, no words will make it feel better, only time. Llora y sacalo del sistema,
Alisa, I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I have read and enjoyed your posts and I know what a life changing event that knowing Steve and now, losing him, has been. But know this… as good as it was, to have him leave you like this, it is only certain that something even more incredible is headed your way. I can’t wait to hear about your new adventures and I’m cheering you on in your riding lessons! {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
Well he!!. I wondered why no posts from you. I understand, you gotta process…
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know you said how you’ve changed for the better, and that’s wonderful. What stands out for me is what you wrote about the changes your son has made. Steve probably came along at just the right time to be a great influence on your son’s growth / future. Try to stay positive and move forward.
I’m really sorry to hear that you are going thru this. I understand what an awful feeling it is to be blind sided like that. However you are a strong woman and this will only make you stronger. Chin up my dear and know that all your friends and fans are cheering you on and more importantly God is with you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Hi Alisa,
I haven’t written for some time, as life has a tendency to get in the way. I’m Karen, my husband is friends with Rick, I can’t say that I am because of Sue. Anyway, enough of the small talk. Sorry to hear of your break-up. Believe me, the spiritual being that is much bigger then us, does have bigger, better plans for us. Even though it doesn’t seem like it, it’s only because we are of flesh and blood. Our emotions, especially as women, tend to “overdue it” and it hurts like fuck!. As you stated, it will pass. It’s unfortunate that he is letting go an immensely creative person, with what I believe has deep passions. Wishing you the best of everything.
I think you are a great writer- the kind of writer who has a “War and Peace” or “1000 years of Solitude” type book in you to write.
Breakups hurt like Hell, especially if you loved hard. But as painful as it is, that is the beauty of being a good human being. Being able to love so hard & completely. Steve will have to learn to “settle” without the most beautiful, passionate and talented woman he’s ever known. That is a fact. Men say the meanest things when they’re hurting bad. Alpha men, I should say. That’s how they protect themselves & try to move on past the memory of you. Regardless of the reasons he felt he had to break up with you, it will haunt him every day of his life and he knows that. And when he comes to his senses someday, he’ll have to accept that letting you go is one of the biggest mistake he’s ever made in his life. I wish u all the love in this world that you & your beautiful son deserve. Because at the end of the day, that kind of unconditional love with your child is what makes life worth living. Abrazos <3
Oh my! I am crying for you right here in the library. Thanks for being so honest. It is hard for me to hear this, because, well, I was sort of counting on things working out differently. I have never really been dumped so I am sure I don’t know the depth of your pain, because I never dated anyone except Beloved. But my younger youth is marked with crushes on guy friends that were never responded to the way I liked. Right now I have to sort of deal with the displaced feeling I have because I had so much hope for you…as if this relationship was going to validate my prudish ways. I admire you for your balance, how you are a modern, thinking woman who has learned to embrace old fashioned values. I still admire you for that, and I admire you for being so strong!
My favourite teen-writer Josh Harris once wrote in his book “Hello to Courtship” that when a courting relationship is over it is not a terrible thing. You entered the relationship to discover is the person is the one that God has for you to share your life with in a way you will share with no one else. Just because it is over, because your discovery did not work out the way you wanted it to, does not mean it is bad. In fact, it is good. (paraphrased).
I love you Alisa, my sister in so many ways, and I am still hoping for you!
Thank you, Beth. You are such a bright, positive light in my life. Love you back.
I’m so sad to read that but If I were Steve I’ll go back with you because of what you wrote. You didnd’t make me to hate him and that’s something to take into consideration. I just hope that someday he realises how good you are for him. Since I “know” you, you’ve always been a strong and powerful woman, and I bet you are still being that kind of woman who was my inspiration to love writing. I just wish you that this pain goes away quickly.
xx
Thank you, Ana Maria. You’re such a lovely young woman, talented and kind. I wish you the best.
Ok…here goes…I was a fan of yours for many years. I couldn’t wait until one of your books was out in the book stores. I totally bought into whatever you said, tweeted, posted etc…but after awhile I kinda wondered if you made yourself into whatever book you were trying to sell.
I remember when you were angry about how the television people wanted to change your characters in the dirty girls series and how a producer told you some of the other project people were scared of bisexuals…I remember what you wrote in regards to your response to her.
Then you were involved with this cowboy and again you changed. You became someone so opposite of who you sold to us years before. I read your blogs every single time you posted and I caught the change you made in the post regarding your friend who died alone.
I remember how you felt when this cowboy didn’t react they way you thought he should. You said then you knew…you could see the signs etc. Then you deleted all of the negative things you posted about him and reposted like he never said it….then you started sounding elist..”the exclusive prep school” and “his expensive cowboy duds”….really? What a turn off. I miss you…your funny, female, hispanic, outregous, chaotic look on life…if that indeed was you.
I wish I could believe what you write.
Susanna – I fought with myself about whether or not to approve your comment, mostly because I find it so offensive, but I decided to allow you to air your thoughts openly here because it is quite likely you are not the only one who feels this way about me. I don’t encourage anyone to grow defensive when others misunderstand them, and I am trying very hard not to feel attacked or maligned by what you’ve said. I do, however, wish to clarify a few points and maybe explain things to you a little bit.
The first thought I have is that you, like many people, have confused Alisa the Human Being with The Characters Alisa Wrote About in Novels. I am not a “sucia,” and I didn’t go to Boston University. The Dirty Girls Social Club is a work of FICTION, not a memoir. Memoir is a true story about a certain period in the author’s own life. Novels are made up. I wonder if Stephen King ever disappointed a fan for not being a talking car, or a man-eating dog.
I resent being accused of “selling” a persona to the public. I have always only ever been me, a flawed and ever-changing person. My first book came out ten years ago, and I have been in the public eye to some degree ever since then. People often find what THEY want and need to see in a public figure, and in artists in particular. That you express missing a certain interpretation of “me” speaks more to your own personal needs, what you hope to see reflected in “me,” than in who or what I actually am or in how I see myself or lead my life.
I think the confusion you feel comes from the contrast between the fictional characters I created in some of my novels, and in the actual flesh and blood person I actually am, which is presented in the memoir. I am not one of my characters. I am me. I am from New Mexico. My family on my mother’s side is “white” and rural, ranchers, postmasters and cowboys for several centuries back. This is the only extended family I ever knew. As such, falling for a white, rural cowboy in New Mexico is not such a big stretch for Alisa the Complex Human Being as it might have been for any one of my fictional characters from Boston. I am sorry to disappoint you by being someone different than you need for me to be, but this is indeed who I am. My father is from Havana, Cuba, and I have that aspect to me as well. I am Alisa, and Alisa is not, and has never been, easy to label. I relate to many different cultures and people, and am unable to conform to any one simple box. I don’t think people should aim for simple definitions or descriptions of themselves. I think we should all strive to embrace and celebrate our shared humanity, regardless of where we live, how we dress, or what language we speak.
You got the TV stuff and sexuality stuff wrong. It’s too complicated to explain here. I don’t even want to go into it, frankly, because I am happy to be out of the deal with the people who were involved with the awful version of it, and am working with a fabulous team to bring that book to the big screen now, as it should be. The biggest issue I had with the Ann Lopez version (awful version) was that she, a Cuban American, removed all of my afro=Latino characters because she felt such nuance was too confusing to the American public and, in her words, people “don’t like watching black people on screen.” I stood up for black Latinos, and I did it publicly, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
We all change and grow throughout our lives, and we are all affected by the people who come into our lives and love us. So, yes, I changed as a result of loving Steve. I’m not ashamed of that. I WOULD be ashamed of stagnating for ten years, though. Life is a journey, meant to be moved through, discovering new layers of ourselves as we go along. I’m not afraid to take a hard look at my own beliefs, thoughts and behaviors, and I am not too proud to admit when I’ve been wrong. Steve helped me to understand the many ways I had been wrong about relationships between the sexes. There is so much you don’t know yet, that is chronicled in the memoir, out Jan. 3. I hope that you will at least give it a read, before jumping to conclusions about him, or me. Many of my Latina fans have expressed certain misconceptions about Steve, based upon their own ideas, gleaned from TV or movies, of what “white cowboys” are like. He doesn’t fit any of the stereotypes, just like I don’t fit Latina stereotypes. We are individuals. We were in love. We had a story to tell, and it was part of the longer story of my individual life.
I’m not sure what you mean about sounding elitist. My son goes to a prep school. He started this year. I have mixed feelings about it. We’re not rich. When I’ve written about that experience it has been to contrast the elitism of the school with the down-to-earth culture of ranch country, where my son and I used to spend time with Steve. The cultures are very different. I felt that my son was torn between two cultures, rather the same as some Latino families might be if they hailed from another country. I am not, and have never been, an elitist. We are the poor folks at that school. I chose it for my son because of the excellent academics.
As for expensive cowboy duds – WTF are you talking about? Do you think Steve is rich? Ha. He is a ranch manager, not the owner. He is hardly paid enough to live on. He is working class, not elitist. I think you have brought a stereotype of ranching to bear upon him and my story of him. If you are turned off, it is because of your own imagination of how you think my life and values are, not by who and what I am or what I believe.
This is the risk of being a public figure, of putting ideas out there for consumption. People see what they want to see, or what they are only able to see because of their own limitations. I am sorry to go on about this, but the idea that I am somehow making up my life as I go along, the idea that I somehow manufactured this horrendous breakup in order to sell a book that won’t even be out for another two months and which my publisher thinks will be HURT by the fact that Steve and I broke up is not only laughable, it is downright cruel on your part. You mistake me for some sort of evil marketing genius. If I were such a person, I’d be a lot richer than I am now. As it stands, I am just Alisa, an open book. You might not always like what’s on my pages, but I can promise you, swearing upon my grandmother’s grave, that there is no fabrication here…just a lot of freakin’ pain. And now, you’ve added to it.
Alisa, you go girlfriend, truth in love.
When he said, “I don’t want you.”….well I think he did not really mean that. Cowboys are so prideful.
Perhaps. I’ll never know.
Wow, Chica… I always had my suspicions, but this note and your postings prove what I tell GF about you. You are the bravest soul I know when it comes to being honest in your writings…I dont know who to compare you to other than “Alisa Valdes”.
I only know you through your writings, but I suspect perhaps someday I will haul myself to one of your lectures just to thank you. You make me think twice about how I act in my relationship these days.
Be strong. God has his reasons. Think of where you were when you posted chapters of Puta on facebook and to the heights in your life and your work you have reached now. And I still say all that gym time is because you KNOW you should take a cameo role in your new project…you are definitely a Rising Star.
What a nice bunch of things you’ve said to me here. I don’t know about brave. I just…I don’t think being human and fallible and wounded or imperfect or whatever is anything to be ashamed of. I have nothing to hide because, even with all my flaws and failures, I actually really like ME! I like other people, too. I think we are all more or less the same, and for me the act of sharing the journey I’m on with others is a way to connect in our shared humanity. I know lots of people are terrified of what others will think if they “find out” that we aren’t quite as shiny and pretty as everyone thinks. To heck with that, I say. I have no illusions about me, and I don’t really think it does anyone else any good to have them about me either. I’m human. Period. And, yeah, I’d love to be in my own movie…if it ever gets made. Veremos que sucede.
Like some others here, I also read your new book as an advanced reader copy. I hope you’ll permit me to share some observations I picked up from it.
I think, in the long run, you will look back and be grateful for your experiences with Steve but also glad the relationship ended when it did, if not how it did (which was unnecessarily cruel on his part). I know that doesn’t ease your short-term pain.
I also went through the rollercoaster of a passionate-yet-tumultuous relationship with a man who both thrilled me and frustrated me to no end. There’s a lot that’s positive about the “stomach-flipping,” constantly changing, crazy-in-love, challenging relationship. I don’t believe, knowing what I know now, they are the stuff that long-term committed relationships/marriages are made from.
As a dispassionate observer, there were many things I read in your book that I thought were clear indicators of both basic incompatibility between the two of you (regardless of the feminist/traditionalist dynamic), and indicators that Steve was maybe not a guy who was capable of long-term commitment. I think the old saw about never-married men over 40 being remaindered goods exists because it’s been proven to be true, time and again. Also, any time you have to labor really, really hard at making a relationship work – where keeping the relationship whole basically becomes a full-time job – I think it’s a sign that maybe it’s not meant to be. And I could see in the book that you were working way too hard at something that should be easy.
I understand if you disagree. I think you probably have the self-awareness to admit that you probably can’t be objective about this right now. But I believe you’ll re-read the memoir at some point in the future and see what I mean.
The good news: on the other side of the life-altering, gut-wrenching, painful parting, there is love, and it is more honest, easier, and happier. At least, it has been for me.
Blessings to you and hope for speedy healing of your broken heart.
Mickie
Mickie – Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your words. It’s amazing how you could see warning signs in my own description of things — signs that I failed to see, even as I described them! I was trying to capture journalistically the journey I was on, and as is so often the case, I was limited to see only what my own life experience had enabled me to see. You, having had more experience with this type of man, perhaps, saw something coming that I did not! This makes me happy, if only because it means I am able, at least, to describe reality accurately, even when I don’t interpret it in my own best interest. And, yes, I worked HARD. Lord, did I work hard. I tried so very hard to be a “good girl,” to win his approval. So I guess that’s what I need to examine now…why I felt the need to coax approval from a man who could never give it…what is it about my own life that makes healing that wound so important to me…but most of all, how do I go about the business of healing that wound now, on my own, so that this type of controlling, disapproving man will NEVER appeal to me again? Share your secrets, Mickie!!!! LOL
Hi Alisa
I think what you’ve already learned about yourself and about what was good and bad in this relationship will prove to be your keys to a happy relationship with a good person the next time around. Although men are supposedly the ones who love the chase, I think there is something irresistible, to a lot of women, about men who are islands unto themselves. In one of her books, Margaret Atwood describes the tantalizing challenge that a so-called “frigid” woman provides for a man – “(he wants to be) the first man ever to successfully explore those polar climes.” It can be that way with women, and men who are emotional icebergs. You want to believe that you are the one who can crack the uncrackable rock-hard shell, climb the mountain and explore the depths of the caves within, etc. etc. But the older and thicker the walls, the more likely it is that we will fail in our quests.
I think a lot of it also goes back to our parenting and the idea that if we were constantly trying to get Mommy or Daddy’s approval as a child, but never feel like we got it, we will re-create that dynamic over and over again in our adult life with anyone who will participate in the game – bosses, friends, lovers, etc.
In the end, I had to realize something about the man I was with to be able to move on from him: I was not the cause of, or solution to, his problems. My trying valiantly to be a different person wasn’t going to fix the fact that, as painful as this truth was, we simply brought out the worst in each other. It was almost a chemical thing, that happened regardless of both or our outward intentions or behavior. He was capable of pushing me to the absolute brink of sanity and reason and I think I did the same to him. While it was exciting and passionate, it wasn’t healthy. But when you stop taking responsibility for either causing or fixing another person’s problems, you free yourself to be yourself with that person, and then it is up to them to decide if they can live with that. Once I detached from either apologizing for making him angry, or trying to make him feel better all the time, he couldn’t live with who I really was, and that was it.
Another thought. A lot of emotionally-unavailable men, I think, enjoy being a challenge and enjoy women trying to break down their barricades. I don’t think your cowboy was one of those; I think he is pretty emotionally-invested in his armor and doesn’t want the hassle of dealing with someone who realizes it is armor, and not his true self, and is going to try to break through it. He wants to keep that core of him safe and not be bothered by a woman who realizes she is only getting some small percentage of his real soul. Some men are happier with women who will let them live in their shells and never press them to open up. But I think you and I are not that type of woman. We could never live happily with a shell of a person, when we know the real person inside is being willfully kept from us.
The man I am with now – whom I married a couple of years after my challenging relationship ended – brings out the best in me. I don’t have to TRY to be a better, nicer, more tolerant, more accepting person when I am with him; by being who he is, he enables me to access my better self. There are not as many fireworks, but the deep comfort and security we have together is so much more satisfying. He is who he is and he accepts me for what I am. There really isn’t any need for ultimatums or threats or trying to be anything but authentic, with ourselves and with each other. He gets me, and I get him, and I am not having to constantly work on fixing my own flaws, or belabor him about fixing his. It’s easy to be with him, and the small amount of “work” we have to do on our relationship, we do joyously. I sincerely hope you will find that for yourself in your next relationship.
Alisa,
I must say I was very surprised to see this post. I like many of your other fans have been glued to your blog just to be able to get a bit more while we wait for the next book to come out. I love that you put yourself out there for us through these blogs. You are not afraid to show us that despite being a “public figure” you too deal with the day to day issues everyone else does. I am happy that you have posted about the change from feminist to being a bit more openminded, if you will. I too at one point felt that “woman power” thing that you have described time and time again in your blogs. With the help of your new blogs and changes in my life I too came to realize that some of my feminist ideologies were incorect. I appreciate that I am able to resognate with some of the issues that you have also experienced. With that being said, I can tell you that having been in your shoes there is not a thing anyone can say to make the hurt go away. I had to accept that it happen for a reason and that I would learn from the experience. It is thanks to your blogs that I had the courage to put myself “out there”.
Thanks for just being Alisa and allowing us to see the private side of your life.
-L
Thanks, L. I have plenty of critics who think I should just keep my private life to myself — including Steve. But here’s what they don’t understand about being a creative artist, or a writer — at least the kind of writer that I am. I don’t write these personal pieces for me, necessarily. I write them so that the readers can feel that someone understands what they’ve been through, and in that exchange I then feel that someone else understands what I’m going through, and none of us are alone anymore. Writing, from the earliest age for me, has been the tool I used to keep my life in balance. I have emotional overexcitabilities, am emotionally intense, feel things deeply. It’s how I’m built and wired. Writing is the way I can take all that enormous FEELING and put it SOMEWHERE ELSE so that I can carry on with whatever else I need to be doing. I find writing healing. I love that my readers can find parts of themselves in my way of describing these universal experiences. It’s not so much about “look at me!” (as Steve often accused me of doing) but more like “Look at life, ain’t it crazy? Here’s how I survive this stuff. How do you do it?” I appreciate your understanding, your friendship, and your compassion. Thank you.
Good morning, Alisa. After not hearing from you for a while, and then hearing this, I was a bit surprised, to say the least. Losing someone is never easy and your loss and mine are quite different. And yet, they are the same in some ways. Losing someone you love is still loss, whether by death or by some other means.
After more than half a century of sharing my life in a relationship that was so loving and passionate, yet not without its small frustrations, and after almost twelve years after the loss, I am still empty and hurting. Death is so final. There is a rawness and ache that never really goes away. My solace is I had all those years and I have our wonderful family which is really the lasting monument to what we had together. I am at peace with all I have and have had. But, Lord, I still hurt and it looks like I always will.
But you are young. There will be other loves and, I hope for you, they will be good and lasting. And you have a son to raise who will bring you much joy – and frustration – and pride!
We are the sum of all of our experiences and from what I have read of you, they will make you stronger. Hang in there and remember the good times.There will be many more.
Thank you, Caryl. Again, I am really sorry for your loss — but I must also tell you I envy you for having had such a real and beautiful love in your life! What a joy and blessing for you! You inspire me. You also flatter me by calling me “young”! Ha. Not really feeling young at 43, but it does appear there is a decent sized dating pool of men in their 50s, who will all think they’ve found quite a bargain in me. Hahahaha…. We’ll see what the future holds. I have faith that there is something wonderful awaiting me just around the next bend.
Alisa,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are a strong woman and I know that you and your son will find the right path for both of you. You are in my thoughts and hopefully that helps you in some small way as you redefine your life and move on.
If your rural adventures ever bring you to Central Nebraska, you and your son are most welcome to visit our farm.
All the best,
Anne
What a lovely, kind thing to say, Anne! I have a friend who owns a farm out your way, and I might just be headed that way to visit him soon. Are you near Litchfield?
Litchfield is an hour to an hour and a half away from us, so by Nebraska standards we are pretty close
Take care and hopefully we will meet sometime soon.
Anne
Dear Sweet Alisa:
Like the others, I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this!
I am not an expert, but I have seen you post this picture of Steve on more than one occasion. I know very little about body language, but when I see this picture of him, it speaks volumns. Do I see fear in his eyes? Is it a pulling back from getting to close?
Perhpas this is a part of him he was not able to articulate; that his is fearfull of getting to close, so he will lash out and “bite”.
Whatever his motivation, I am truly sorry!
Oh, Nanny! I love your wisdom. You saw in this photo what another friend of mine saw in it. I showed it to him one day, bragging about how handsome my boyfriend was, and this guy was, like, “Girl, he’s cold as ice. Look at those eyes. You will never find real warmth and love there. That’s a closed soul.” Steve was an incredible man in a lot of ways, and I am grateful to have known him, but like the rest of us he had his limitations. Long-term compassionate commitment is an impossibility for him, regardless of who the woman is. He has proved it again and again and again, and will likely continue to do so until he dies. I see it now. I wanted to think I could change that about him. Foolish of me.
I have read your story more than once, and I feel your pain in every word. However, I think you should speak and think about yourself the way you speak about him. You too are bright, hot and powerful.
Instead of hearing his last words over and over in your head: ‘Stop. It’s over. This isn’t your home. It will never be your home. I don’t want you. Goodbye, Alisa.’
Start hearing new words: ‘Start. This is a new beginning. I am my own home. I will always be my own home. You can’t have me. Hola, Alisa.’
I love this, Aurelia! It’s totally true. Yes. It’s a matter of perspective. As I look back on it, I know that while I wasn’t perfect I was pretty damn great. I was kind, loving, generous, accommodating, committed. I was a good companion to him. What this tells me, and I’m getting a clearer picture as time moves forward, is that it really wouldn’t have mattered WHO I was, in the end. I was just the latest woman to be in the “woman” slot in his lifelong pattern of exactly this sort of behavior. It works for him, in its own lopsided way, and that’s okay. It doesn’t work for me anymore.
This is why I love to read everything you write. You approach the blank page with raw honesty and with gusto even when baring your soul. Some people come into our lives for a lifetime, while others remain there throughout our lifetimes; but all of them present us with opportunities to give, to love and to grow more fully into our authentic selves. Take what you learned from him, send him light & love, and then move on. This too shall pass. I feel sorry for him in loosing you. God bless.
You are already in the right track to a better you, I know what that pain is like and I don’t wish it upon anyone although i will say your a better person then I was because part of my healing involved saying many nasty things about my ex, so for you to find it in your heart to say only good things about him already makes you the better person. I will tell you that I had to kiss many frogs before I meet my husband which we just married this June, they are out there and you will find him when you least expect it, wishing you all the best!!!
Hey Alisa! I’ve been following your blog off and on for a while and want to salute your courage and send you and your Alex every good wish in the world. It’s hard being a single mother, any time, and it’s even more so when we lose a precious adult friend. I hope you have around you lots of people who love you! Take good care! Marian
Alisa,
I came here looking for something else, but kind of figured I’d find my way to this post. I knew you probably addressed it on the blog — it was an inevitable thing, really. And it’s remarkable how much I identify with it. Or maybe, unremarkable, because, like you said, these sort of experiences seem to be a common part of the human experience.
My ex and I started dating when we were 14. We broke up when we were 20, just ten days after our 6th anniversary. I had it in my head that we were going to get married, a misconception he perpetuated in an attempt to save the last meager shreds of our relationship…which had been fairly unhappy for a while. Hanging on too long when it isn’t working can take a 95%-amazing-5%-demeaning relationship into a chaotic tailspin of hurt and desperation. It should have ended sooner than it did. We might have both enjoyed college a bit more if it had. Who knows.
The moral of the story is this: life goes on. You have a great mindset here, with faith in God and a strong support base. And as cliched as it is to say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” I never would have found my way back to agriculture if it weren’t for Tim and the passion he helped foster in me, even after my father’s unexpected death on my uncle’s farm.
You are an amazing woman, and I’m proud to call you a friend. If I can do anything for you, I hope I can give a little extra bit of hope. A six year relationship ended, but I found so much more of myself in the wake. Not long ago, Tim and I had a long talk on the phone. I actually thanked him. I thanked him for releasing me into my full potential, not only to seize opportunities but also to find a new capability for strength and resilience.
You are fantastic. You are talented. You are beautiful. And I have all the faith in the world in your ability to move forward to something even deeper and more wonderful.
Best wishes, my friend! And you know how to find me if there’s ever anything I can do.
Sincerely,
KMR
PS
This ran longer than I intended. A “few lines” have a way of getting away with me. I apologize!
Dear Alisa,
I’ve been a fan of your writting for many years, and have followed your blogs through the years. I was very happy for you hearing how happy you were with Steve, felt like a friend had finally found a good relationship. And reading your post, I find myself feeling like a friend telling me about her breakup. I find myself feeling your pain and your grief over the relationship, through your wondefuld writting.
I also want to tell you that one of your post in your blogs inspired me to seek a better relationship for me and my son, and for that I thank you!
I wish the best for you!
Ana
[...] past posts about my breakup with the cowboy, I’d written that my next boyfriend, whomever he would be, would owe the old hard-ass a thank-you note for all the ways I’d been [...]
Great blog!
Do you not think it would be appropriate to respect HIS privacy?
you got physically and emotionally abused by a dumb hick redneck cowboy…this is surprising in what way?
Steve was not dumb, nor a hick, nor a redneck. Why would you say something like that? He is easily one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. The stereotype you bring to bear here is tragic.
You see, you let your guard down. You give yourself up in these words…”I expected marriage, and forever, a stepfather for my son. I had that easy calm that comes from being sure you are cherished.”
What made this relationship different to the type you ran from, was the simple matter of self-belief. You approached it differently but had not factored in the one constant, namely men. Trust me, how can you claim to know us (naturally, in a perverse way), when we men don’t even know ourselves. We are simple creatures, with simple habits, but beyond all this, we would never assume to know women like women hope to know men.
You know, he really isn’t all that good looking.
Eye. Beholder.
So you wrote a book about how great it was to be submissive to a man in a relationship, then it turns out he was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to you. I presume this means you are going to stop the publication of The Cowboy and the Feminist. Surely you see how it may encourage woman to enter into relationships which are just as disfunctional and harmful?
That’s not what the book says at all. I think you might want to read it before forming an opinion about what’s in it!
This is ridiculous – are cowboys different than other human beings who walk this earth? Stoic, manly, doing what needs to be done – sorry, this smacks of adolescent fantasy through and through. Perhaps it’s time take a look inside instead of at him.
THIS guy is good looking?!? I guess there’s no accounting for taste. You’re lucky to be rid of him, honey.
Admittedly, not the best photo.
Yeah — even aside from the icky things you’ve told us about him & narcissistic stuff he said on his video — this man is not attractive. Frankly he looks squirmy, like an earthworm? Blends right in with that pink wall behind him. Let it go!
Oh, so he turned out to be a dick, huh? Wow, didn’t see that coming, eh? But liberals and feminists are still bad, right? Right??
When did I ever say liberals or feminists were bad, Michael? Have you even read my book, or are you jumping to conclusions?
There seems to be some programming in us (from ape ancestors or even before them) for this maledom-femsub model.
It seems very exciting, particularly to women, in early stages.
But it does not seem to work for long – as in the current Feminist-Cowboy example (http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-real-cowboy-the-real-feminist/267053/). Ted Turner and Jane Fonda is a similar example.
Why doesn’t it work long-term? Maybe it’s too hard work for the male in this culture?
Because culture is shouting that woman should be more independent, active, visible etc; impossible for man to maintain his caring strong shield of her in face of this culture?
(Maybe the only men thus able to sustain it in our present culture are so selfish etc that they are also serially unfaithful, which blows the relationship apart.)
Perhaps optimum model now for humans is to run it the maledom-femsub model at start of relationship, then morph into a more normal (friends with benefits, monogamous) relationship but with those foundational memories etched away in the background. As in 50 Shades…
Brilliant analysis, and a lot of good stuff to think about. One of the basic ideas I tried to address in the memoir is the conflict between our biology, which hasn’t changed significantly in 100,000 years, and our society, which has changed rapidly and remarkably in the past 100. The success of 50 Shades comes, I think, because it speaks to that part of women that evolved to be attracted to the alphas…but my experience with it, in retrospect, indicates that such attraction can be unfortunate, unless moderated in the male by the kind of enlightenment that only comes with having been much loved as a child…
1. That’s a very interesting comment; ‘unless moderated in the male by the kind of enlightenment that only comes with having been much loved as a child…”
But is it possible for him to live that moderation and yet still be exciting in this primeval way to her? Do you have any role models?
2. I wonder if in almost every relationship over time she will tend to disrespect him, which will weaken his confidence and thus his ability and interest in leading her. I wonder if you disrespected the cowboy?
Maybe the advice to any young bride is never to criticise or disrespect her husband. Then he will remain strong, and she will reap the intimacy and joy she wants.
How sad, Alisa. My heart goes out to you.
I was rooting for your relationship and came to your blog today for the first time to see how it was going. There is nothing better than new love, and I enjoyed reading about the pleasure you took in it! I was also impressed by your willingness to meet and explore ideas and values so different from your own, and regardless of what else may have happened, that is a rare and precious quality you have, and I believe it will bring you great joy in future. How disappointing to learn it did not work out the way you had hoped it would, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and those who trust that will have their greatest hopes fulfilled, even if it doesn’t look a bit like one plans!
I discovered your book last week while at Barnes and Noble and I was interested in reading it for a number of reasons. In some ways, my own life parallel’s yours, but in many ways it’s very different. I, too, live on a ranch out in the middle of nowhere. My son, who is maybe 9-10 years older than yours, was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, although his diagnosis is accurate. Oddly enough, he is a cowboy and a student in Albuquerque. Tonight he is out at a remote camp with three horses and his best friend. My husband is traditional in his care and protectiveness toward me, opens doors, and all the rest, but he is a very Jewish husband, and culturally very different from the Cowboy. Yet in some ways, my marriage to him (a second marriage) was very much the same kind of awakening for me as your relationship with the Cowboy was to you. As in your situation with the Cowboy, my husband created a space for me to be a better mother to my son by showing him ways to be a man. That is why I enjoyed the book, and will value it, even though some of the truths of story had not been learned yet..
My best wishes to you, and I hope that in the future everything you learned in this situation–even the painful parts–will come together to bring you closer to your bashert–your other half–the person who will be the greatest and permanent love of your life.
In the meantime, keep writing. It is obvious how much your readers enjoy it.