I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that so many bloggers (and their extremely opinionated readers) have been focused on me and, to a lesser extent, my new book this past week. It’s a blessing in some ways, because it’s good that people are talking about the book, even if most of the people talking about it haven’t read it and have some very wrongheaded notions about it. On the other hand, it’s never easy reading complete strangers calling you names, passing judgment on you based upon — well, nothing really. But I guess that’s part of the game. Celebrities deal with this all the time, which makes me feel sorry for them. I’m not a celebrity, obviously, and so this scrutiny is sort of new and I’m trying to figure out how to keep my balance in the midst of it all.
I would like to thank Gawker.com — Jesus, I never thought I’d write THOSE words! — for taking the time to actually ask me about this stuff, and for posting a fairly good piece about the whole thing. The reporter, Max Read (what a great freakin’ pen name, dude), was respectful, and I think really did understand what I was trying to say. Sadly, there are lots of creepy crawly trolls online who are trying to pull him in the opposite direction, in the “the bitch is crazy for saying Latino isn’t a race” direction so many of them seem to inexplicably love…what’s weird to me is that none of the trolls in question seem to have ever actually read anything I’ve written, forming their opinions solely on wikipedia entries or comment threads on extreme right-wing websites. Whatever. I will say it is depressing as hell to have nearly a decade of journalism (some of it award winning), and another decade of book writing (13 published books in total) under my belt, only to be judged, in the end, on nothing but the lunatic rantings of a couple of anonymous trolls on the Internet(s). It is incredible to have done so much good work, only to be remembered for nothing but a resignation letter written 13 years ago that was never intended to be made public but which was leaked by my former bosses. Lordy. What a world.
I think it’s good to ignore the really crazy assertions, for the most part, because to acknowledge them gives them power. But there are some ongoing statements that are very wrong that I feel it is important to address, because they are being made by the main bloggers themselves and then repeated in increasing crazed fervor by their minions. So, here goes:
1. The cowboy never raped me. Can we please stop saying he did? Can we please stop trying to see everything through an “either/or” lens of simplistic reasoning? I described an incident where, during an argument, he stopped arguing with me, grabbed my hand with a stern look on his face, took me to the bedroom, bent me over and had sex with me. We had previously joked about how, if we ever got in a no-win fight, we should just stop and screw, sex being perhaps the best thing about our relationship. In that particular instance, I was a willing participant in the sex. He didn’t force me to do it. Now, that said, it wasn’t loving and it wasn’t beautiful, either. He was a little rough, and a part of me (confusingly to those who like simple answers to complex situations and questions, no doubt) sort of liked it. I did not ask him to stop and he did not force himself upon me. Therefore, it wasn’t rape. The experience was sad, certainly, and he did remind me during it that he was “in charge” and I had to stop talking back, etc. Yes, this is ugly, and yes it was a turning point for me in the relationship. But it wasn’t “rape”. Not to me. While the cowboy could, at times, be a brutal man, emotionally, verbally and psychologically, and while he did threaten me with physical harm more than once (but never hit me) he was NOT a rapist, to my knowledge. I think that repeatedly referring to him in this way is irresponsible, libelous and, frankly, might get me killed. So, please. Stop.
2. My new boyfriend did not write a thank-you letter to the cowboy for abusing me. He wrote the cowboy a thank-you letter, but not for hurting me. That would be moronic and scary, and the new boyfriend is neither. He’s a kind, decent human being. I posted the letter, and my thoughts on it, on this blog a while back. I’d encourage you to read it by clicking here, if you are one of those people who feels the need to comment about how “sick” I am for having a new man who thanks the old one for abusing me. That is total bullshit, and if it were true you’d have a right to insult me. But it’s not true. I appreciate your concern, however sloppy and lazy, but I assure you things are not as you have all frenzied yourselves to believe.
Anyway, I’m glad the book is getting attention. We all knew that no matter what happened in my relationship with the cowboy that the book would inspire no shortage of controversy. I remember my agent sitting across a table from me and asking me very kindly whether I realized what I was in for with this, whether I truly understood just how vicious the backlash might be from those who would kneejerkingly misunderstand everything about the book because they didn’t read it and would therefore decide I was somehow anti-feminist. I nodded and said, “bring it on.” I knew. So I’m not surprised.
I do, however, wish people would read the book before deciding what it says, just as I’d like them to get to know me a little before calling me names…but I also know that, in the end, people are rarely talking about “you” when they’re supposedly talking about “you”…they are almost always talking about themselves…and “you” are little more than a lightning rod for whatever discomfort they have chosen your avatar to represent in their own psyche.
In the interest of being completely transparent, I’ve decided to host a Livestream chat on my website for anyone to join tomorrow. I’ll be live, on video, and you guys can ask me anything you want to. I want you to be able to see my eyes when I answer you, so that you can judge for yourself whether I’m telling the truth or crazy. I encourage you to join me, because I am genuinely interested in what you have to say, and hope that you will extend the same respect to me. Come to this link tomorrow, Sunday, January 13, at 6 p.m. MST (8 p.m. EST) and let’s talk about this, like civilized, intelligent people. Or at least not like idiots. Deal?
Tagged: Alisa Valdes, bloggers, controversy, gawker, the cowboy and the feminist, truth
Love ya Alisa and I’m sorry you feel the need to explain yourself to ignorant haters. Keep doing what you do so well because there are more lovers out there for you than haters
Thank you!
I should start with this: I haven’t read your book yet. In fact, I just heard about it today.
I do feel it’s very important that you keep talking about how it is “a handbook for women on how to fall in love with a manipulative, controlling, abusive narcissist” because we need this discussion in our society. The image of an abused woman isn’t one of composure, strength, and intelligence, yet composed, strong, and intelligent women are victims as much as anyone else.
Alisa, I am sure you know that people aka ” haters”, must feel threatened by your success & the idiots don’t even realize that all the attention the are giving you is only making your fan base grow ! Stay strong !
Hi Alisa,
Hope you are doing ok amidst all the furore surrounding your book. I’m glad you’ve posted today and set the record straight, because I will admit that after reading the blog post you removed, as a concerned reader on your behalf, I did jump to the same conclusion that many others did, in which you were an unwilling participant in a certain matter you described.
As I live in the UK and your book isn’t yet available on our Amazon or ITunes Store to download, I haven’t been able to read your account of the relationship between you and the Cowboy. If I had, I would no doubt, as you say, have a clearer understanding of the complicated relationship between you both, and would not have immediately assumed that what you mentioned in your blog post was against your will.
I hope your book becomes available soon, and I look forward to reading it. I’m glad you are in a happier place now, with someone who sounds supportive and kind.
Best wishes,
Sophie.
Alisa, none of the commentary I’ve read gives a damn about your politics, or your views on the word “Latino.” Don’t try to reduce it to that – it’s the same kind of political caricaturing the condemnation of which is one of the better parts of your book.
The book made me queasy. It was beautifully written, and compelling – but the way the cowboy treated you, from the very start, made my skin crawl. The insights into why certain behaviour that you had been encultured to condemn was viscerally attractive to you were fascinating, but from the earliest encounters you identify, explicitly and consciously, red flags for abusive relationships.
Then there’s That Blog Post. Whether or not you asked him to stop, you could have him charged with rape for that encounter, and in some jurisdictions people have been convicted of rape for treating women that way – even their long term partners, even when she didn’t explicitly say “stop.”
And *then* – you say that if we call it rape, it “might get me killed.” Can you unpack this? Because to me it sounds as if you think this guy might not only hurt you but KILL you if random people on the internet suggest he raped you. That’s terrifying on so many levels.
Nobody is being a “hater.” But it’s always maddening watching an intelligent perceptive woman excuse or glorify her own abuse. Even in the memoir it seems like you were not only doing that but on some level aware that you were doing that. In what you’re written and said since, it’s even more liminal. And it’s very, very painful to read.
Alisa…I’ve been gently chastising some feminists for simplifying your story into “victim” or “liar.” THEY WANT TO RESCUE YOU, STILL. Anyway, thanks for doing the interview with me and in case you haven’t seen it, since Pasatiempo isn’t on-line, I put my article on you (plus the extra Q&A that I couldn’t fit into the article) on my blog, here: http://jenniferslevin.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/the-feminist-the-cowboy-an-interview-with-author-alisa-valdes/
You might not like my take either, though I think I have a different approach to the story as a whole than some other writers. I, too, liked the Slate review. Looking forward to meeting you tomorrow at Collected Works.
Thanks,
Jennifer
I wanted to add that “save the abused woman” was NOT one of the reactions I’d anticipated.
Yeah. Welcome to my world. Most of these people haven’t read anything I’ve written, least of all my memoir. I overestimate people. You are so far the only reporter/critic who actually gets it.
Oh, wow! I’m glad I captured something true. When I posted a link to my blog at Shakesville–where there was a blog post about you based on the Salon article–it was edited to include a “content note” warning people that our conversation included discussion about several kinds of abuse as well as–I kid you not–”some potentially upsetting categorizations of feminism.”
???? See this is part of the confusion for those of us who have followed your blog during over the past year or so. Even within this very post you contradict yourself. You you point to a Gawker post as a fair assessment of the events, yet in that very post Max Read calls it rape, but in this post you say you weren’t raped.
Can you not see how some of us are genuinely confused by the way you seem to reverse course at every turn regarding your story?
Ms. Valdes, there are some of us who are genuinely following your story because we are or were interested in your work. You seem to just eat up all the praise and write off anyone that questions you. Those of us who question are not “haters.” We are simply your followers who are now confused by the twists and turns to this story. If it were a work of fiction, you wouldn’t be under such scrutiny, but you are, literally, selling this story as a memoir so the examination of said memoir is fair.
Vanessa,
Newspapers have something called a “corrections” section, where errors made in otherwise “fair” or decent pieces are fixed for the public record. That’s what this post does. I’m saddened by your need to write Max’s entire article off simply because of one error in it, but it speaks volumes to the nature of the problem at hand regarding my memoir and the subsequent ending of the relationship I wrote about. Many people, yourself included, seem unable or unwilling to allow for shades of gray. The sense I get is that the American public likes very simple answers to everything. An article cannot be mostly true with one or two errors — if there is an error, you say, it must be COMPLETELY UNTRUE. Likewise, a smart, professional woman cannot fall for a man whom she eventually realizes had many abusive tendencies, because, the simple storyline goes, SMART WOMEN DON’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT. A man with some abusive tendencies at some times cannot be charming, fun or intelligent most of the time, because the bad guys on Lifetime movies are always so obviously smarmy, accompanied by slicked-back hairdos and creepy music in the background….we like our stories to be OBVIOUS and EASY TO UNDERSTAND…this is why people are saying “she can’t be telling the truth, because on the one hand she says the article by Max is basically fair, but then points out a mistake he made; she says the cowboy was wonderful, but that he abused her…this can’t all be true at once!” But, you know what? It can. It is. Life, real life, isn’t simple. It’s amazing, because as a journalist I feel a need to be completely honest about my life story in regards to this memoir, but the more truthful I am, the more confused people seem to get, because we have all been so trained, by the simple three-act hero’s journey formula of almost every movie, TV show and book you’ve ever digested, to only “believe” the falsity of simplistic FICTIONAL narrative.
“I’m saddened by your need to write Max’s entire article off simply because of one error in it, but it speaks volumes to the nature of the problem at hand regarding my memoir and the subsequent ending of the relationship I wrote about.”
Except she didn’t do that. She pointed out that there’s a big disconnect between asking people not to describe the episode as rape because “it might get me killed” and praising a Gawker article that explicitly calls it rape.
Well, mysteriously, the first time I left this comment and another they didn’t pass muster with the moderator so I’ll try again. If it goes away again, I’ll know for sure it wasn’t a glitch but censorship. I’ve also made it PG just in case my somewhat frank language was what triggered the cut (even though the 2nd post contained no bad language).
I’m very confused also. Rape is a big word. No, it’s a HUGE word and if this incident was, indeed, not rape, I would be jumping up and down after seeing it used in reference to me and it was not true.
What you are actually doing is blowing smoke up everybody’s butt. I love this line: “…she says the cowboy was wonderful, but that he abused her…this can’t all be true at once!” Technically no, it can’t be true because the bottom line is this – an abuser is an abuser is an abuser. He is nothing else once he becomes an abuser. The charm, the fun times, all the other b.s. is just that – b.s..
You say you feel the need to be “honest” in your role as a journalist but you are not being truthful – not with your readers or yourself.
“…the more truthful I am, the more confused people seem to get…”
For the record, I’m not confused at all.
LOL
I didn’t approve your comments yesterday because they were:
1. Overtly hostile and insulting and laced with expletives.
2. You started your paragraph saying you were “very confused also” then ended it with “for the record, I’m not confused,” which, in and of itself, is extremely confusing.
3. You wrote in such a way as to send off alarms of familiarity in my head. “Blowing smoke up people’s asses/butts”…using the word “bullshit” over and over, an over reliance on ellipses to make your points…….. and your reluctance to use the first person singular, as in “still trying” rather than “I’m still trying”… very, very, very familiar writing style. The hallmark of a great writer is recognizable style, and you, my dear, are nothing if not a great writer. I always told you that. And, for the record, you are the only person I have ever known to use “blowing smoke up” skirts/asses/butts as a common phrase. Tells. Just like poker.
That you cannot comprehend the complexity of emotions that come into play for those who are abused by loved ones speaks either of your unfamiliarity with (or refusal to face) the realities of the psychology of abuse, or to your own status as an abuser (said type always preferring to assign blame to others around them and point fingers at everyone’s faults but their own). You say that once someone is shown to be an abuser they are nothing more than that. Rarely is that the case. It is like saying that once someone has been sleepy, they are always sleepy. Abusers are not always abusive. People aren’t always sleepy. Abusers are abusive far less frequently than people in general are sleepy. Once you’ve invested time, energy, love, emotion and hope into a relationship with someone who is, say, amazing 95 percent of the time, it can be very difficult to reconcile that terrifying other 5 percent, and you (or I, anyway) begin to question your own perception of things. Master manipulators inspire you to question everything about your own reality, and soon you are looking to them to tell you what’s real and what’s not. It happens slowly, insidiously. And, the abuser’s most potent weapon is never fear or intimidation; it is always pity. The part about abusers that they DON’T show you in Lifetime TV movies is that they often come across as self-deprecating, introspective, apologetic, and in tremendous NEED of your LOVE and HELP to get BETTER because, they often say, THEY WANT TO CHANGE. Only a truly heartless person could love someone who makes a “misstep” and then summarily dismiss them as “all bad, just an abuser and nothing more.”
The other part of your yesterday comments I didn’t like was that you claimed I personally was in denial of having been in an abusive relationship. Oh, really? How, then, did you or anyone else even come to know that this is what it was? I would remind you that this information was made public by ME, because I finally saw it for what it was…I finally realized that the 5 percent was going to kill me, either at my own hand or yours…I mean, “his”.
I should have run the first time I caught him in a lie. I should have run the first time he called me the C word. I should have run the first time he held his fist up as if to hit me. I should have run when he told me I could have him, or the baby I was carrying (his), but never both. I should have run many times, but I was too in love, too weak, too blinded by hope, too forgiving, too hateful toward myself, too insecure to believe anyone as handsome or impressive would ever love me again. Those were my mistakes. The feelings I wrote about in the memoir were true. The experiences were real. There is no denial, no lying. A lot of time has passed since I wrote those words, and I refuse to lie about what followed, because to me it is important that we be honest about the psychology of abuse and about how none of us is immune to its traps.
None of us, I presume, expect you. And those like you. People who CAN change their entire attitude about another person based upon one unfortunate or painful fight or event. People who can reduce others to “just an abuser/bitch/whore/problem/etc and nothing more” on a regular basis, which is to say…abusers.
Thanks for your comments. Try harder to hide your identity next time.
As for the “rape” allegation – that word was NEVER used by me. I was not raped. It is pathetic that bloggers have said I was, because I wasn’t. If I had been, I would be truthful about that, don’t you think? Do I strike you as the type to HIDE a thing like that? Lord. I wasn’t raped. I am annoyed and disgusted that bloggers have run with the LIE. It serves their own twisted purposes, which as far as I can tell are to undermine the basic idea of respectful mutual submission and trust in a relationship, an idea that I stand by wholeheartedly and always will. My mistake was in trusting the wrong man, not in trusting a man. My mistake was in submitting to a man who wasn’t worthy of it, not in submitting to a man. People tell the story about “me” that they need to tell, to make themselves and their own views seem valid. Unfortunately, they often lie in the process.
Well, maybe the third time is the charm? Still trying to post this response but no dice for some reason. Weird…but here goes…again…
I’m very confused also. Rape is a big word. No, it’s a HUGE word and if this incident was, indeed, not rape, I would be jumping up and down after seeing it used in reference to me and it was not true.
What you are actually doing is blowing smoke up everybody’s butt. I love this line: “…she says the cowboy was wonderful, but that he abused her…this can’t all be true at once!” Technically no, it can’t be true because the bottom line is this – an abuser is an abuser is an abuser. He is nothing else once becomes an abuser. The charm, the fun times, all the other b.s. is just that – b.s..
You say you feel the need to be “honest” in your role as a journalist but you are not being truthful – not with your readers or yourself.
“…the more truthful I am, the more confused people seem to get…”
For the record, I’m not confused at all.
Is it oversimplifying to suggest that any relationship in which you genuinely fear for your life is abusive? Because you describe that feeling several times, and I see no way in which that dynamic can be anything other than abusive.
It is from your blog post, “The Truth About the Cowboy” which didn’t say “he took me to the bedroom” but “simply dragged me down the hall to the bedroom, bent me over, and took me,” that the confusion has arisen. Either you want us to read your words or you don’t and some of us read and remember. If that incident was NOT rape, it is an error on your part and not Max Read’s, Ms. Valdes. Many of us, including Max Read, read those original words, your words and ascertained that you were describing an incident of rape.
I dunno.
I’m probably going to regret this: spending lots of time proving that “someone is wrong on the Internet” is usually a waste of time (h/t XKCD).
Still, here goes.
Alisa, you’re either incredibly smart, playing us all like pieces on a chessboard. Or you’re quite smart, but you’ve triggered one or two unintended consequences. Or you’re not that smart, and you’re in a deep hole but you can’t bring yourself to stop digging. Or you’re totally insane.
You could be brilliantly manipulating everyone in a carefully planned campaign to get publicity for your book, expertly ratcheting up attention with each twist and new “revelation.” I sorta doubt this. There are very few brilliant master manipulators out there outside of Hollywood’s imagination.
I think you think you’re in category two: you’re being very reasonable and honest, but gosh darnit there are so many people out there who just don’t get it, including the haters and the trolls. Being a writer who’s true to herself is hard. You’ve had some tough but rewarding life experiences, and we can learn from them, if we listen with open ears.
Many people are going to gravitate to the “batshit crazy” response, which (to be honest) I sympathize with. Still, I’m going with door number three. My counsel to you, for what it’s worth, is to please stop digging.
Your blog post, “The Truth About The Cowboy,” is out there forever on Google cache. You may have taken it down from your own site, but it’s still there for anyone to read. It’s a long, angry, hurt diatribe against a “controlling, abusive, narcissistic, violent” man who you identify directly. You cannot take that down. Even in today’s post, you ask people to stop referring to him as a rapist, because “frankly, [this] might get me killed.” Who might do this? A crazed Internet troll? An angry publisher? Or the man you described as a “controlling abuser” four days ago? Alisa, stop digging.
The plain reading of the words you wrote four days ago is of a woman penetrated under actual force, and the context which you surrounded the act with is an atmosphere where potential harm was continuously present. You may now wish to change the description others apply to it, but you are deluded if you can’t see that the vast majority of us who are desperate to see women better treated by their lovers, husbands and friends don’t respond viscerally to that description. You can’t take back your own words. Wishing you hadn’t done something doesn’t undo it.
I know you plan to continue to “talk about this,” through your live chat planned this evening and in other venues. Honestly, don’t. Stop. Draw a line under these last few days. Use private reflection, and the counsel of those close to you, to move forward. I wish you well in that endeavor.
I assure you I’m not behind door No. 1. Or door No. 3. Or door No. 4.
I’m going with door No. 2.
If I were a master manipulator, I would have made a lot more money by now, and sold a lot more books, about far less controversial topics.
Brilliant and thoughtful.
I very much hope that what sounds like an awful situation is behind you. As a professional writer, however, I have to agree with Andrew Burton above. You’re in a very difficult situation in which the product you generated has turned out to be other than branded, and you need to salvage that – from the sound of it, your publisher is being exceedingly and lamentably cowardly. The blog history is not, however, helping with quoted posts (e.g. “He even wrote a thank-you letter to the cowboy for making me a better woman, a woman who might have scared an incredible man like Michael off, had I never been “tamed”…”) but because the net is largely ineradicable, you’re going to have to live with the consequences of previous posts. Part of the problem of this whole thing is the hyperbolic nature of romantic fiction – the cowboy is described as of nearly unfathomable physical beauty, for instance, and then there’s a photo of some perfectly bog-standard middle aged bloke. It might be worth taking a look at some writerly objectivity – Graham Greene’ splinter of ice in the heart – rather than the cliches of your chosen genre, because that’s going to be your route out of all this. I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for your advice. I do think you offered it in a spirit of kindness and respect.
In his defense, the cowboy was quite beautiful. The photo you reference is pretty lame. He was a successful model, headturning. Of course, beauty is subjective…
I did read your book, and I do believe it is anti-feminist. It sounds like you have a lot of personal problems you’d rather blame on “radical feminism” than your own personal choices. It appears you’ve lived most of your life in sheltered liberal enclaves, leading you to believe that feminism has completely changed our culture and we’re now living in some post-sexist world that has “gone too far”, in your words. This is simply not true; most areas of our country are not oases of equality for women, and our overall political and economic system is still patriarchal. Furthermore, patriarchy hurts men as well as women, perhaps most strongly by encouraging an unemotional, hard, dominant view of masculinity. Your waxing poetic over these traits is not new or original–it’s still the cultural status quo, by and large. There’s nothing wrong with confidence, competence, and strength in a man–I agree that these qualities are much more desirable than “man-boys.” But you erroneously link strength and emotional distance/coldness. I believe the cowboy is an extremely weak man in his inability to deal with emotions and conflict head-on. A real man doesn’t have to emotionally manipulate and physically threaten women to feel strong.
I guess you missed the part in the book where I said exactly what you’ve said here, about how much of the world still needs the battle the oppression of women.
Alisa, here’s your main problem: it seems to be difficult for you to grasp that as much as you might want to, you don’t get to invent your own reality, and have other people accept it without question. You don’t get to, over the course of more than a year, spin this wonderful tale of this amazing love story on your blog, and gush about how happy you are, and then write a book about it. And then when the book isn’t well received and starts flopping, come forward with cries of “I was abused” and write this wild tale of miscarriage and near-rapes and jumping out of a truck and walking SIXTEEN MILES through the desert without decent shoes or water (um, OKAY). And then get all indignant when people question what you’re saying, because you alluded to NONE of that in multiple blog posts about the relationship or in the book, or are skeptical because you have been caught lying about so many other things in the past. Those “anonymous Internet trolls” are just bringing up things that I know you would rather not remember, but that are out there forever on the Internet, that definitely call into question your ability and willingness to tell the truth. Especially when you’re under fire, when a plausible lie will get you sympathy and put you in the category of “abused woman,” which then means anyone who questions what you say is “victim shaming.” I have to admire, in a way, the sheer cunning behind your moves here, but I am disgusted that you are using a very serious issue – domestic violence – to deflect criticism from you and the book. There are REAL domestic-violence victims out there who need help and do not need to have their struggles clouded by BS like this.
I know (thanks to reading those “anonymous Internet trolls”) that you have a long history of making claims about yourself and then backtracking on them later. I have not seen anything so far that indicates to me that this situation is any different. If you learn anything from this episode, I hope it’s this: everything you write, whether it’s an email, a tweet, a blog post, etc. that gets to the Internet will stay around forever, and even though you can do all the mental gymnastics you want to try to forget your past missteps, the Internet doesn’t forget. I have no doubt that in two or five years you’ll be trying to re-spin and re-configure this whole cowboy episode as you go through another phase of reinventing your career. But maybe next time you’ll be a little smarter and more realistic about what you can and can’t shine people on about. FYI: when you write a book, and a blog, and put it out there, people can say what they want to about it. If they think you, and your story, are full of shit, they can say so. No one is obligated to love you or what you do just because you’re you. Sorry you haven’t learned that lesson at this late point in your life.
I was a fan of yours, but this whole episode has so thoroughly disgusted me that I won’t be reading any more of your books. And I am cheering on those “anonymous Internet trolls” who are exposing your inconsistencies.
Dear Disgusted Ex-Fan and every disgruntled poster,
I have sat by quietly and followed the dribble ALL of you have written. Obviously your mother’s never taught you “IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, THEN SAY NOTHING AT ALL”! How dare you sit in judgment. Judgement is God’s job and I didn’t get the notice saying GOD died and left you boss. We are called to righteous judgement and your words do NOT fall into the category of righteousness.
We are, however, called to be transformed daily and Alisa is being transformed by her experiences. Following Alisa’s blog is a choice you had chosen to make and you can change your mind.
For all of you out there, if you should have caring correction, I am sure Alisa will gratefully receive it. If you don’t then before you look to take the speck out of another’s eye why don’t you take the plank out of your own! Or better still, why don’t you write a book of your own.
I am praying for our Creator to give all of you eyes on your heart to love, ears to hear and to take the scales off of your natural eyes. Remember this, on judgement day everything you have said and done has been written in the Lamb’s book of life and YOU WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE!
Thanks, Leslie. Trust me, it’s like yelling into a well, or reasoning with a pencil. Save your energy. People are insane.
Wow! That was some diatribe, Leslie! I guess we’ve been put in our place, huh?
You are absolutely right that those who choose to follow Ms. Valdez’s blog are within their rights to cease to do so. BUT, I don’t hear people judging. What I hear are people questioning the validity of these blog posts and this book. When an author is putting writing out there, categorizing it as a memoir, we are expected to accept this as truth but apparently this is not always the case in Ms. Valdez’s “memoir”? These authors are also expecting to be paid for these “truths” and rightly so, and when readers, some of whom were already fans of this author plunk the bucks down, some doing so based solely on their admiration of said author, they expect the truth. What many readers got were, at the very least, prevaricating.
I have as of yet to read comments from people who are simply “hating” as Ms. Valdez suggests. People seem to really care about her thought process and feelings while she was in this relationship and I would daresay that many readers of this book were/are in abusive relationships, who are simply looking for a kindred spirit but instead found someone who refuses to acknowledge the basic truth of an abusive relationship.
As I said before, if I ‘failed to acknowledge the truth’ of my having been abused, you would not know that I was…right? I’m the one who’s talking about it. I’m not proud of it. But I’m not ashamed, either. I made the mistake of loving too much, giving too many chances and too much benefit of the doubt to someone who didn’t deserve it. If your only crime in life is loving too much, then you’re doing okay.
Just another thought to add to this……..some of us out there who follow this post are victims of abuse ourselves. I am blest to have a wonderful, gentle and kind husband, but from my earliest memories continuing throughout my teen years, I bore witness to the horror of an extremely abusive father and the horrible beatings endured by my mother, which filtered later onto us girls. The scars are lasting, and deep.
So when this stuff is written, some of your audience will squirm and react more strongly than others. What was experienced can never be fully understood or forgotten.
Sadly, I have to agree. This is not a black or white issue….it is plagued with grey………..however, as a long time follower, I too find it confusing how you have explained the relationship from the beginning to end! Your words are something you own, and I might suggest that you have someone you trust proofread anything you put out there about this situation, because anything you put out there you own.
You have to know that we all want to support you, but we have to know you too. Sadly, the recent blogs have only confused me even more.
Nanny,
Thank you for your comment, and for your honesty. I understand!
Please know this: For the vast majority of the time this blog has been up, the cowboy insisted upon reading everything I ever wrote about him or us or our relationship BEOFRE I posted it. In the few instances when I forgot or failed at this, he punished me swiftly through stonewalling, freezing me out, growing angry with me, setting ultimatums. At first, I agreed to this “request” to let him read the posts because he said he had a right to know what was being said about him. But as he began to grow more controlling, as he began to justify the demand to approve my posts by saying it was “to keep you from making an ass of yourself or humiliating me” I began to understand just how dangerous a situation I was in. It got worse and worse. I was embarrassed, because I never thought I’d end up in a situation like that. I lost a dear friend, a Republican woman in fact, because the cowboy was controlling my blog posts. She was a survivor of domestic violence and warned me that this was just the first step he’d take, that it would escalate and eventually turn into physical violence. I told her she was nuts because I was still drinking the Kool Aid, I guess. Anyway, I was never hit, but he did raise his hand to me on at least three occasions, threatening to, saying “I’ll knock your (bleeping) head off,” things like that. At first I was stunned. I couldn’t believe the man I’d thought so highly of, admired so much, loved so deeply, would say and do such things. It’s so complicated. People who haven’t seen it or lived it really don’t have a way to understand it. I say this as someone who used to be very judgmental and unforgiving of people in abusive relationships. How could they not see it? How could they STAY? Were they STUPID?!?!
Anyway, I’m happy to answer any questions anyone might have. I understand how my own disappointment and heartbreak can feel to my loyal readers like betrayal, because you guys came to love the cowboy through me, through my book and blog, and now you feel betrayed to learn that he had this other side to him. I get it. What I am sad about is that the disappointment, confusion and betrayal are being aimed at ME, when in fact I think they are empathetic reactions for me, about HIM. I didn’t LIE about how much I loved that man. I was positively over the moon and in awe of him. The confusion and betrayal and disappointment you feel are exactly the emotions I felt, at the end of the relationship, standing in my bedroom and looking at his large, strong finger as it poked me in the chest, and wagged in my face, watching his oh-so-pretty face twist with rage, hearing his voice, the same voice that had spoken so many beautiful words to me, now suddenly calling me the worst names anyone has ever called me…I didn’t know how to make sense of it. I didn’t know what to do with it. It would have been hard enough knowing what to do with it if there had NOT been a memoir coming out…but there was…and I had a loyalty to the publisher…they wanted a happy ending. I wanted a happy ending. We all did. But sometimes, life doesn’t work out the way we’d thought it would.
I’m sorry you feel confused. Truly. You’ve been a loyal reader of this blog, and a voice of loving reason over the years.
I did not come to love the Cowboy through reading your blogs. I came to know YOU and that is who I care about. I have to admit, I never did “get” your relationship together. I wondered how such an outgoing person as yourself could find lasting happiness with someone so remote in every area of his life. If you think about it, the lifestyle he chose reflects who he is as a person, and I think it is quite obvious. He chose a life far differently than when he was younger, remote and away from people. That speaks volumes about him. You, on the other hand, are a people person and very engaging.
What hurts most about an abusive relationship, be it through a parent or someone we love, is that the person we are most vulnerable with, loving with, and trusting with, can turn, and in the blink of an eye cause such pain and damage. It distorts our ability to trust, not only in our judgement of others, but in ourselves as well. To do this to an adult is terrible; to do this to a child is unforgivable and the damage unfathomable.
I can understand how emotional this issue is for you, and it has definitely shown up in your recent blogs. When I suggest for you to have someone you TRUST read these blogs before you post them, it is so you are able to convey what you wish to say in a manner that is not so emotionally charged and explosive. You have a great deal to share!
That being said, you are in my prayers daily and in a very good way!
Peaceful Blessings! Nanny
I’ve been a reader for your blog for a while now myself. If you are saying that the cowboy heavily censored your blog and predetermined the content of your posts, I find that all the more reason to be disappointed. If this is true you were not being authentic in what you had us reading for over a year. I would hope that you would aim to keep your integrity at all times, be it in a book or blog post.
If the cowboy was truly dictating the content of your posts I would think that you would have kept your integrity by not blogging at all. Were you blogging under duress?
I think your reply to Nanny is a major reason people are so skeptical now. The description of your account above reads like a work of fiction – “standing in my bedroom and looking at his large, strong finger as it poked me in the chest, and wagged in my face, watching his oh-so-pretty face twist with rage, hearing his voice, the same voice that had spoken so many beautiful words to me” – forgive me but this sounds like fluffy embellishment.
I really think that if you cease from explaining this situation and just move on many of us will get over this confusion and follow your career with interest and genuine hope for your success.
I drank the kool- aid for years and no one could understand who wasn’t in my place. And for years after I was still a contradicting mess, I think even now I couldn’t give a 100% percent soul searching account of the relationship because I’m human and experiences are unique to each of us
I have just become introduced to your work through this controversy. My only contribution would be this:
Obviously, you’ve built up a devoted following over your career. Whether your publisher helps or you self publish, it seems there’s an audience for a book about flags you missed and how to protect yourself from these relationships. It is easy to miss things. Violence in relationships crosses all ages, genders, economic and social classes, and so on. Reasons for staying and going are complex.
You may want to keep some notes on your recovery process. I worked with people in these types of relationships. Some of the after steps are very difficult, with the one year marker being the hardest.
Be gentle with yourself and slow in your new relationship. Getting over someone like the cowboy can be difficult, and balancing a relationship during that initial time even more so.
Thank you. You are a kind person, and I appreciate your comment very much. xox
I would read this book, too. Not so much a “how to” but a story, as beautifully written and readable as TF&TC, about the darker side, and how you are healing from it and moving on.
You did an exceptional job of showing how an intelligent, educated, successful woman could get suckered in almost despite herself, seeing the flags but discounting them.
You are so delusional it hurts. I wish you the best of luck but I have little hope you will come to your senses.
Is this the cowboy?
“There was the time we had an argument, the time I dared to challenge him and insist that I was right about something, when he, furious with me and so much bigger than me, simply dragged me down the hall to the bedroom, bent me over, and took me, telling me as he did so that I must never forget who was in charge, that I must learn to be nicer, that I must learn…to obey. Yes. I am not proud. I was so beaten down by then, from the constant daily criticisms, from the constant erosion of my self esteem, that I just took it, and wept, and apologized, and promised to do better.”
This is a direct quote from the cached version of the blog post you took down that was titled “The Truth About the Cowboy.” You included this incident as en example of abuse that you suffered, and although you never used the word “rape” it is certainly implied! He was “furious” and used his “bigger than you” strength to “drag” you away and “take” you and you were so “beaten down” that you “just took it.”
Now you say he simply “took your hand” with a “stern look.” Then you say, as before, that he “bent you over and had sex with you.” Where in either version of this event does it say that you consented?
Then you say that having people call him a rapist “might get you killed.” What is that supposed to mean? It seems to imply that sure, he raped you, but please don’t say it online because he might retaliate. You said in the cached post that telling the truth about him “put you in danger.”
You’re contradicting yourself, hiding things you posted, saying that your publisher abandoned you and then saying, no, it was a misunderstanding. It’s extremely confusing, but I don’t think that readers are to blame for being confused. I think it would be better if instead of rushing to publish your first reaction to something, you took more time to reflect. If you hadn’t rushed to publish a memoir about a relationship that could still be called “new” at the time, if you hadn’t then rushed to tell everyone that not only was this guy really abusive but your publisher’s being abusive, too, and THEN rushed to take it all down and say oh no, it’s all a misunderstanding, my publisher’s really great and the cowboy really wasn’t SO terrible, then maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess.
Rape is against someone’s will. I was willing. I’m not particularly PROUD of that fact, but it is a fact.
My publisher, Gotham Books, has likely done the best they can with the changed situation. I’m talking marketing, publicity, management; they have mostly done an amazing job, which is why the book is in the front of stores and doing well. That said, I was and still am sad to have been met with radio silence from my editor since December. I’m not sure what the reason is, and have yet to find out.
Just because my choices and feelings don’t mirror yours doesn’t mean I’m contradicting MYSELF. It means I’m contradicting how you might have interpreted or handled the same situations…
Ms. Valdes,
I’m curious, in light of your experiences and recent revelations, if you have changed your opinion of female relational submission and male headship. I have not yet read your book, but I understand that you found this a satisfying dynamic in your relationship with the cowboy. Could you say a few words about this?
This is such a great question! I think I’d like to use it as a blog post…which I’m going to write right now. Thanks for the inspiration.
[...] and quickly pulled down an account of abuse at the hands of the Cowboy. It was not rape, she later attested, but many in the blogosphere disagreed. In fact, the post-publication woes of Valdes generated a [...]